*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
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DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Natural selection at its finest
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh