*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
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“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.