[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
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Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!