[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
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To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.