[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
Breaking news:
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now