[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.