[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
You Might Also Like
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.