[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.