Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

about to have the best blueberries of my life

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.