*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
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I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.