put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
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[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Don’t touch that.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.