Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im gay on my mothers side

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…

*I run to check on the donuts

*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

The fall of Netflix

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

💀💀