Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

As the Lord intended

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.