Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.