Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

first you must answer his riddles

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.