*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
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I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*