*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
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My biological clock is wheezing.
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
My dress code is business-casualty.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.