[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
You Might Also Like
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?