[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
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ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not