Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

Feels

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

I really had high hopes for this year though

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.