Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

yeah 😭

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

Just did a big green poo by a canal

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”