Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

Pizza is an emotion right?

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.