*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
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If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I think about this a lot
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
prepare for carbonated trouble
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within