Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

I’m sorry…what?

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.