Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

A dad and his duck

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake