*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
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“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish