Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?