Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

When your best mate counts as a desk too

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

[standing at urinal]

me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.