*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
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Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks