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@DaddyJew: *opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*
@ericsshadow: Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
@urbanfriendden: surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
@momTruthBomb: Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children's books clearly never had children of their own.
@ThatRascalPuff: Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*
*quarter falls out*
@AaronFullerton: We can teach kids there's no "i" in team but it's way more important to teach them that there's no "a" in definitely.