*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*

*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*

- @DaddyJew

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My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.


My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday.

Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn’t what she had in mind.


[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”


Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.


Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.


Life dull? Add ‘or die trying’ to every statement. “I’m gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING.” Instant excitement.


How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.


Waiter: Do you have any questions about the menu?

Me: Did you laminate these yourself?


Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.