@DaddyJew

*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*

*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*

- @DaddyJew

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@cravin4

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

@Xoolun

My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday.

Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn’t what she had in mind.

@david8hughes

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

@envydatropic

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

@donni

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

@margolundy

Life dull? Add ‘or die trying’ to every statement. “I’m gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING.” Instant excitement.

@conanobrienswyf

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

@cbme69

Waiter: Do you have any questions about the menu?

Me: Did you laminate these yourself?

@KalvinMacleod

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.