Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron: