Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

those birds must be on payroll

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.