*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
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*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”