Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
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Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Fights fire with marshmallows
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.