Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
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Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.