Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time