Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

😂

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

Twitter is like:

funny joke

funny joke

funny joke

HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE

funny joke

funny joke

angry guy who didn’t get the joke

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!