[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
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went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Said the murderer.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*