Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

Found my door mat

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.