Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

time for some seasonal decor

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on