Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
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If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I miss this era type of pranks😭
A Short Story.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.