Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
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A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
What a website
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her