Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

craving $300 all of a sudden

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.