Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Banking tips

ok like just. call me at this point

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

me irl

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.