Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

what do you want

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.