Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.