Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting