Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

Tuesday

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.