Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

🤝

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

Lmao

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.