Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

584.

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.