Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

genie: you have three wishes

me: nightvision goggles

genie: dope

me: the only pair on the planet

genie: many people will be affected

me: now kill the sun

genie: dude

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.