Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences