operators are standing by to ignore your call
You Might Also Like
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I love this❤️😁👍
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.