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A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Nice try, poison.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.