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My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
This story is comedy gold 😂
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.