I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
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Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Pizza is an emotion right?
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Dolls on drugs
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?