@FannyB1tch

Opinions are like orgasms, mine matter most and I don’t care if you have one.

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@Smooheed

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

@KolbyEatWorld

Any 2 white guys could walk up to me and say “we’re The Chainsmokers” and I’d believe them.

@TEXASVETERAN

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

@junejuly12

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

@emmafreud

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

@tchrquotes

If you’re filling a glass up and stop halfway, it’s half full. If you’re emptying a glass and stop halfway, it’s half empty.
You’re welcome

@GorillaNipples1

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

@SteveKoehler22

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

@Papa_Mex

Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don’t realize how bad it is for their health…..until I’m choking them

@SteveSuckington

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”