Opinions are like orgasms, mine matter most and I don’t care if you have one.

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A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended


Any 2 white guys could walk up to me and say “we’re The Chainsmokers” and I’d believe them.


Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.


Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup


This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.


If you’re filling a glass up and stop halfway, it’s half full. If you’re emptying a glass and stop halfway, it’s half empty.
You’re welcome


*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*


My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.


Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don’t realize how bad it is for their health…..until I’m choking them


For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”