oppen heimer style lol
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hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way