oppen heimer style lol
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Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Botany good plants lately?
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
never deleting this app.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.