Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
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Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Those are good neighbors.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.