Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
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ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time