Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”