Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
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I think my husband is beginning to suspect
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
step 6: release the wall snake
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”