@Quartzjixler

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

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@fro_vo

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

@goldengateblond

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

@junejuly12

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

@TheCiscoKidder

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

@notnuthin

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

@trevso_electric

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

@juanadog

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.