Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
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If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
applying for a new job
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?