Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
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What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.