OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
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College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time