OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
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For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
next question.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor